How could I be so cruel to the children?

Sara (during infomercial): "Josh, did you see that!? It's the One-Touch Can Opener! I need one!"
Josh: "No you don't."
Sara: "Yes I do! You don't understand, you put it on top of a can, push the button and it does the rest. How have I lived without this? Don't you see how it would make our lives easier?
Josh: "Sara, how often do we even open cans? Besides, I'm not paying 20 bucks for a can opener when the one I got at the dollar store works just fine."
Sara: "No! You're not listening. I won't have to crank the can opener any more and I hate it when I get tuna juice on my hands, and the lid won't fall in the can when I open it!"
Josh: "Well, just don't cut the can all the way around..."
Sara: "Oh look, kid's can use it too! Josh, we have to have this, we need this!"
Josh: "We don't even have kids, besides ones that need a can opener, and why are children cooking?"
Sara: "Josh, this isn't just a purchase for us, it's for our kids."
Josh: "Uhh... No, It's dumb. I can hear our unborn children weeping now: 'why daddy, whyyy? We love yoooooooouuuu!"
Sara: "Don't mock the children."


I am a terrible non-father.
(P.S. Also, Sara isn't pregnant.)

My Favorite Quotes Part 2

"Why can't they make all the roads melty in winter?"

"You know, if they just put heaters in the roads, we wouldn't have to worry about snow."

(During a board game Sara had to sing in a foreign or made-up languge):
"Wait, how do you invent the Spanish language?"
(then she gives her best attempt at German)


Sara(to me): "I don't trust you to drive in the snow. Do You even know how? When Was last time you drove in winter?"
Me: "Well, yesterday for starters..."


(I recently found my old lava lamp)
Sara: "I couldn't sleep last night because of the lava lamp."
Me: "I'm sorry, it did brighten the room a lot."
Sara: "Yeh, and it was too trippy to not watch."


Sara: "I'm hungry"
Me: "Well, let's see, I could make us fajitas, chicken quesadillas, bar-b-q ribs, chicken stir-fry, tuna fish sandwiches, bar-b-q chicken strips, soup, scrambled eggs, pancakes, spaghetti, tater tot casserole... I'd have to get up and look but I'm sure there's more."
Sara: "Nah, I don't feel like cooking let's go out."
Me: "I said I would cook."
Sara: "Nah, I don't feel like you cooking, let's go out."
Me: "Or, I could make fajitas, chicken quesadillas..."

Eclection

Sara: "McDonald's is ok, they have quite the eclection of food"

Josh: "Eclection?"

Sara: "Yeah, they have burgers and chicken or salad."

Josh: "Do you mean they have an eclectic collection?"

Sara: "What, is eclection not a word?"

Josh: "No, but it should be, although I'm not sure that three things on the menu is very eclectic though"

Sara: "Well they have McFlurries too, see its all very eclectic."



Touche.

New Sarism?

Sara: "Oh my gosh! I'm bleeding like a banshee!"

Me: "Actually, I think it's screaming like a banshee..."

Sara: "What? That doesn't make any sense"

Me: "A banshee is a monster that has a scary scream"

Sara: "Oh... what do ya know."

Me: "Maybe you were looking for 'I'm bleeding like a stuck pig'?"

Sara: "WHAT? GROSS, ARE YOU CALLING ME A PIG?"

Me: *Sigh*



For the record I wasn't.

Sucker for infomercials

Sara is a sucker for infomercials. It doesn't really matter what's being advertised, she'll be convinced that she cannot live without it before the half-hour commercial has passed. More than once I've had to pry the phone out of her hands to avoid the "Three easy payments of $19.95". It doesn't matter if it's the George Foreman grill, Some kind of food dehydrator that can suck the juice out of a whole turkey, or a spin-off of the magic bullet blender (spin-off... blender... get it?) Sara is convinced she's living in the dark ages of consumerism unless she's able to procure these ingenious little trinkets.

It wouldn't be so bad, but she remembers all of them. Her desire for modern comfort-technology wells up from time to time and she reminds me that we are living squalidly without a sandwich maker that also cooks omelets.

Here are some of her favorites:

The In Styler



The Oreck Air Purifier



The ShamWOW!


The Snuggie


The H2O Mop


How have I lived so long without them?

Ho ho ho me lucky charms!

Sara saw a picture of a black santa:

Sara: "What!? Santa's not black!"

Scott: ""Why not?"

Sara: "Isn't he Irish?"

Scott: "Uhmmnn..."

Sara: "Saint Nick right? Arn't all Saint's Irish? Isn't Santa the guy who saved the Irish?"



A new Christmas legend is born.